I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
