Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
