You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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