did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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