So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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