My liver just broke up with me...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was confusing and full of hummus
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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