Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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