i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i think my tv is drunk
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
