I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
