Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
