I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
