It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
