the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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