Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
