when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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