Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
