I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
