Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
