his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
