I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
