we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
