Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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