That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
