HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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