So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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