I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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