Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
