Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
