she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
