God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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