I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
