Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
