I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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