I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
