just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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