just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
