Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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