I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i think my cat just said my name.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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