Umm I'm too high to move.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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