I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
