At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
