No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
