Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
