I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
