Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
