If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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