Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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