I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
