Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
