When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I smell like Dick and happiness
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
