I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
