i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
