Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
