I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
