The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
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i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
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How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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