So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
