My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
