...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
