im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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